Reflecting on 18

I am now 19. Yesterday was my 19th birthday and I had the most incredible day but now I’m sitting down, writing this blog and reflecting on being 18.

18 was a year of work. I started my first full time job a couple of days after my 18th birthday, when I first started I had only been offered a maternity cover job for a year contract. However, 6 months down the line and my boss offered me a full time job, a pay rise and I am also in charge of the speech and language group. I have made some incredible friends and met incredible people who have positively changed my life and some of my work friends are my best friends. A year down the line I am still working at the same place and I could not be happier.

18 was a year attachment. I am at a place where my mental health is the best it has ever been, but one thing I still struggled with this year was attachment issues. Not to people but more to things. I got attached the colour of the beige walls and when my stepdad started to paint the walls white I went in to overdrive and my biggest mental health issue this year was the colour of the walls, how silly does that sound. However, It was time to deal with this, and I moved rooms which seems like such a simple thing, but I threw away things I was attached to such as the electronic candles that didn’t work, the Eiffel tower model and the broken chest of drawers. But now I’ve moved into such a nice room which is simple and not filled with clutter that I was attached to.

18 was a year of friends. I have lost many friends being 18, leaving college, leaving my part time job and others we out grew each other. However, I am so thankful for the incredible friends that I have made this year, some through my new job, through old girlfriends and through friends. I am fortunate enough to spend as much of time as I can with my unbelievable friends, they’re open, they are a group listeners and they want to spend time with me as much as I do them. I am so thankful for my friends.

18 was a year of opening up. I started this blog just after I had turned 18, and I am so thankful, this blog has allowed me to share some of my experiences that I’ve blocked out for years. It has allowed me to accept that’s okay to share and its okay to speak and its okay to let people in. Until I started this blog I was the type of person who never let anyone in and all  my emotions would bottle up until they’d suddenly explode and I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. But now I feel like an open book and I am so open to talk to anyone about anything and I think that is so healthy.

18 was a year of relationships. I have always been very honest about my relationship life, when I first turned 18 me and my first girlfriend who I’d been with for a year and half broke up, fuck I was broken, I was very immature and vulnerable and sad. I did whatever I could to get some attention from people, I found random people in town to spend nights with, to dance with, to kiss, and I don’t regret any of it, I think it was good for me to have that time not attached to anyone. I would go on so many dates, one day I went on three dates in one night, I went to the cinema with a girl, the pub with a guy and I went to McDonalds very late with a different girl. Eventually through this dating phase I found myself in another relationship with a lovely girl, it was a very short relationship and in a few years I’m sure it will seem like nothing but I am thankful for what I learnt from her, I learned stuff about myself both during and after the relationship. Obviously we broke up and again I found myself going to town a lot, kissing strangers just to get a free drink, but now, I am more than lucky to have a very beautiful girlfriend who Is currently led next to me asleep, I am so grateful for you.

18 was a year of alcohol. Of course turning 18 I started going out to clubs, this started out as nothing and it was a once a week thing with my friends where we’d probably only be out till around 1. Slowly this started to increase, and I found myself going out on Fridays and Saturdays and I did that for a couple of months, every Friday and Saturday, every single week. Then I started going out on Thursday nights too, this just kept increasing and increasing and suddenly I was at the pub every single night getting drunk till I couldn’t remember a thing. If I wasn’t going out to a pub or club I was drinking at home, I couldn’t have a day without an alcoholic drink. This is reducing now, I still go out a lot and when I do go out I drink a lot. But it’s not every day anymore, I don’t have to have a drink every day just to function.

18 was a year of self love. My confidence was very low when I first turned 18, I had just been dumped, cheated on, I did not love myself. I’d go to town and feel so self conscious that everyone was looking at the big girl. That the big girl shouldn’t go to town. I slowly worked so hard to build myself up, I found clothes that suited me a lot better, I looked after myself, I took more selfies, and eventually I did love myself. I don’t think it’s big headed or wrong, I am beautiful, as are you. The big girl definitely should be in the club, and nobody cares that you’re big either.

Thank you to everyone who was spent the year with me, wether you’re in my life now or not, friends, family, ex’s, I am grateful and I learnt a lot from all of you.

To the people who still are in my life after this year, thank you for continuing to spend time with me, laugh at my awful jokes, listen to me, I am even more grateful for you.

I cannot wait to see what 19 has in store for me.

Codie xx

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