It has been 2 years since the most emotionally challenging day of my life.
It has been 2 years since I found out my sister was being abused too.
It has been 2 years since I saw my mums heart break.
It has been 2 years since my old stepdad got arrested for abusing me and my younger sister.
In these 2 years I have done a lot of growing. I have spent days crying, I have spent days stuck in bed because nothing seemed more important than laying in bed, I have spent days cutting my skin, I have spent days alone and drunk.
I know I am letting everyone into a big part of my life sharing this blog, but it feels important, I want to let people know that sexual abuse is not the end.
When I was 13 my old stepdad abused me in my house, I was led asleep and he slipped his hands under my clothes, he did things that I have been trying to block out for years. I woke up halfway through the abuse. I woke up with a man touching me who I never thought would hurt me. The next day I woke up, and suddenly my innocence had gone.
I would dread the little talks at school where people would talk about sex and their sexual experiences with their boyfriends and girlfriends, because they made it sound like a positive, fun experience. Whereas the thought of someone touching me was filled with guilt, with disgust.
I spent 3 years after the abuse living with my abuser, trying to block it out everyday, but it is impossible to forget about being abused when your abuser is standing in front of you everyday.
When I was 16 he finally admitted what he had done to me, we sat in the car alone, in the middle of no where, he told me that it was an accident and that he was asleep and he woke up in a ‘compromising position’. He then went on to tell me that I was ‘aroused and attracted by it’.
When I got questioned by the police at 16 years old about wether I thought he was asleep or not, I did not know what to say I did not know what to believe. But 2 years later I wish I could storm back into that horrible room and scream about how he couldn’t have been asleep, how he must have been awake, how else would he know he did it? How else would he know I was ‘aroused’ (his words) by it.
2 years later I wish I could scream about anything to ensure that he was charged for my case, I wish 16 year old me was more open to talk about my abuse to ensure that disgusting man could have got locked up longer.
Instead, my case was dropped. I sat in a room for 2 hours, trying to make sense of what had happened to two strangers when it did not even make sense to myself. I spent months after the court case feeling like my abuse was not valid, that I was pathetic for thinking it could even be called abuse.
Instead he got charged for two cases of sexual abuse against my younger sister and even that angers me because it was so many more times than two.
Instead he was only in jail for one year.
I have spent many days depressed because all that’s on my mind is the abuse.
But 2 years later, I am so much closer to being myself, the me before the abuse
But 2 years later, I am confident
But 2 years later, I do not think of the abuse every single day
But 2 years later, I can let people in, I can share experiences with people, without thinking about the abuse
But 2 years later, I can talk about what happened
But 2 years later, I do not shiver at someone touching my skin
2 years later, I am myself and I am happy.