These fucking lakes

These lakes confuse me and I don’t know how to feel whenever I walk through them.

As a kid I loved the lakes, I would go on dog walks with my family, feeding the ducks, playing on the tyre swings, riding our bikes round the lake.

Me and my friends used to walk through the lakes to get to school and I have so many good memories from that too, innocent 13 year old chats about guys, stealing trolleys and sitting in them on the way to school, falling over in a pile of mud.

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I remember taking our wellie boots and going for walks following the little streams seeing where it would lead us and dropping my phone in a lake and trying to hide it from my mum.

I recently went to lakes with my friend and had such a great experience, we sat at my favourite place, we sat by the edge of the lake playing music through a speaker, drinking Jack Daniels and cider out of the bottle and yeah I was a little bit drunk but god it was such a good day.

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When I was younger I loved the lakes, I still want to love the lakes but my fucking god I’ve got mixed feelings.

When I was around 14 I was a very depressed little kid and all I wanted to do was be alone and the lakes was the place for me to do this and for hours on end I would sit at the edge of the lake, no phone, not talking to anyone, just me left alone with my thoughts. And don’t get me wrong, now I like to go back and reflect on how I felt and why I felt that way by sitting on the edge of the lake on my own like I used to do.

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But whenever I walk through the lakes I do get a sense of heaviness almost, I can feel myself get a little sadder and It really takes me back.

And I like to think I’m happier, fuck it I know I’m happier but something about following that same wooden path makes me feel like I’m not happy, that this is fake and I’m lying to myself and it’s crazy but I feel like these lakes have a hold on me.

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There are so many thoughts that come to mind when walking through the lakes almost like pit stops, the small lake where me and my siblings would look for tadpoles with our dad, to the bench where I would sit on alone, to the corner where my cousin’s bone popped out, the spot where me and my friends would always take selfies and the bridge where we’d play poo sticks.

I feel like the lakes is always going to have a hold on my emotions, but I don’t want it to, I want it to be a happy place because my god can that place be beautiful and all I want to do is sit and enjoy it without feeling so fucking sad.

Codie xx

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One thought on “These fucking lakes

  1. Think of it as peace and calm in the middle if a storm, sadness, fear, disappointment etc. The way it move effortlessly when being undisturbed.

    Liked by 1 person

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