Happy 17th birthday Tamzin.
We used to fight just like sisters are supposed to, I used to constantly take the piss out of you during your Emo stage, and when your breath would always smell like something had died, while you would shout across the school bus that I needed to use the Wii Fit and that I dressed like a lesbian.
Well look at me now Tamz, the most exercise I do is lifting chicken nuggets from the plate to my mouth and I am a lesbian (So I’ll give you that one).
We used to really hate each other, from the pulling hair, the scratching, the biting and the time I punched you in the face. I think we didn’t get on because of how different we were, all I wanted to do was play football with the guys while all you wanted to was listen to your screaming music and cover your face in black make up.
As we grew older I think we started to like each other and understand each other a bit more. But here’s the thing Tamzin, I hated you because you were what I wanted to be, crazy right the big sister wanting to be the little sister. But you had everything I wanted, you had so many friends, you were so popular, you were beautiful, social, you were one of the cool kids at secondary school while I was the one who locked themselves in the toilet during lunch.
The first time I ever had a cigarette was at one of your parties with your friends, so I’m putting the blame of my smoking addiction on you now.
You were the first family member I told that I was gay. I was 16, you were 15, I came into your room with the confidence that I had randomly found and I closed your bedroom door and I told you ‘I like girls’. I told you about the girl who I was talking to online and you were accepting and loving and we fucking hugged Tamzin! We shared a real loving moment together and I am so glad that we did. The only thing you asked when I came out to you was, ‘Can I still show you pictures of guys and you tell me if they’re hot’. And thanks to you and your little parties, I kissed girls, real girls, not girls that I formed a bond with over a computer screen. Shoutout to Tamzin’s hot friends.
I think when I came out to you it was a real changing moment and it just felt like this massive wall that was between us had gone and you have always been so accepting of my choices with girls and you spend time with my girlfriends, I’ve only had two but you treated them like your best friends. My most recent ex you spent the night getting drunk with us playing beer pong, and you were totally okay with us sneaking off for a little bit. With my other girlfriend, you were so welcoming to her from day one, you called each other best friends, but the second you heard she cheated on me, you hated her. Just like I would do for any of your shitty boyfriends.
I feel like we’re best friends now, I tell you about my nights in town and the people I shared a sloppy drunk kiss with and we high five and I honestly feel so much closer to you.
And we both know that we are close because of the abuse that happened to us both. I am so sorry I didn’t tell someone when I got abused, because If I did you wouldn’t have been. If I spoke up you wouldn’t of had to deal with the emotional and sexual abuse that you did, I am so sorry. I never told you this, but some nights I tried to force myself to come into your room and ask if you were being abused too, but I could never find the strength to. I would do anything to turn back time.
The day I got called while at work placement with Nan telling me ‘He’s been abusing Tamzin’ was a day I will never forget and the way we sat in Nan’s house and cried together and hugged each other I am so sorry that I was so oblivious to the abuse that was happening to you.
But lets turn this round,
You are an inspiration, you are so fucking beautiful even though I would never tell you that to your face, I am so thankful for the times you’ve lent me money because I spent way too much on alcohol, thank you for being chill when I kissed your friends, thank you so much for keeping it a secret for long when I told you that I was gay, thank you for being okay with me being gay.
Even though I fucking hate you sometimes, I pretty lucky to have a little sister like you.