I don’t like change.
I like my life to be in a routine, I know that every week I will work 4 days a week, from 8-6, I know that I will come home to my room that has looked the same for 3 years, I know that I will come home to my family, I know that my bus gets to my bus stop at 7:03 everyday, I know that I have one driving lesson a week and I know how my day is going to be.
As many of you know, I was sexually abused by my old stepdad, but it felt like so much more than just being abused, it felt like I was coming home to a family who wasn’t healthy and happy, it felt like me and my younger siblings were waiting for each other, taking turns to go into the bath room and open up our skin, to feel something for a second, it felt like I was coming home to a family who hid behind fake smiles in order to make one man feel like he was doing his job as a father but my god he was the furthest thing.
I was raised by a different man who I thought was my dad for 16 years, but that routine went, I don’t remember the last time I saw him, he had another child and I don’t even know how old that kid is, I have never seen him.
I have also never met my biological father, I know about him, I know that he was in a car accident, and he was into some pretty serious drugs, I know that he was older than my mum and I know that he moved away when he found out that my mum was pregnant with me. He never wanted to know me.
I can’t help but blame my past with my ‘dads’ for some of my attachment issues. My old stepdad used to change the layout of the house at least every six months, so every six months all the kids would pack up their stuff because he wanted us to switch rooms.
Today my new stepdad starting painting the walls. The new colours of the walls have literally sent me into overdrive because something is changing, it’s just walls. I shouldn’t be getting so upset over walls.
I finally feel like I have got a routine, I don’t go out drinking anymore and meeting random people and not knowing where the night leads, If I am going out I like it to be planned so far ahead so that I know its going to happen and so I feel prepared for it.
I’M GETTING SO UPSET OVER WALLS AND THAT’S MAKING ME EVEN MORE UPSET AND STRESSED OUT BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST FUCKING WALLS.
My room hasn’t changed in a long time, I cling onto little shitty souvenirs, like the Eiffel tower model I got from Paris, Like the electronic candles that don’t even work anymore, like the bright pink frame that I fucking hate, like my broken bed which has completely broken on one side because I am so attached to these small things and I just really hate change.
I really needed to rant about this, but even this blog is changing and that’s stressing me out.
I just don’t want anything else to change.
They’re just walls.