A letter to my past self

To my 5 year old self, everyone says this but this is so true, you are so different to the other kids. It’s okay that you want to wear football kits while all the other girls are wearing princess dresses.

As you get older you will get more and more different to all your friends, you wont have many friends who are girls and you will spend most of your time playing sports with the guys, In your year 6 leavers journal no girls put you down as their best friend, but you had a group of around 5 friends who treated you as one of them, who didn’t see you differently and treat you any differently because you are a girl. Please never feel the need to change yourself.

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When you start secondary school it will be hard, the girls will start picking on you because of what you like, your old friends from school will send you notes across the class, calling you a boy, telling you that they don’t want to be your friend, that you’re not normal. Codes there is nothing wrong with you, and I am so proud that you never changed yourself to suit them.

This next part is warning, you are going to go through the hardest time of your life, you will be sexually abused when you are 13. You will keep it silent for 3 years, you will isolate yourself from your friends and family and spend your lunchtimes sat in a toilet because you never felt worthy enough to have friends, to have anyone who cared even a little bit about you. You will cut permanent scars into your skin everyday, you will cut them in places people can’t see, you will be depressed for a long time. You did not have to keep it quiet, you could of told your mum straight away, she wouldn’t love you any less, she wouldn’t think you are lying, she will cuddle you, she will support you and she will love you endlessly.

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13 is a hard age for you, when you are 13 you will start catching feelings for your best friend. Suddenly all the rumours everyone said about you being gay are coming true, it’s okay. Being gay really isn’t a bad thing, you are unique, you are special, you are gay and it’s not that big of a deal. However you probably made the right choice not telling your friend how much you were into her, she is straight as a ruler.

15/16 is when you will start doing your GCSE’s, they are hard, but you put in so much effort and you revised so hard, you did so well, you didn’t have to cry like that when you opened the envelope, your family are proud of you, your friends are proud of you.

College is going to be hard, your tutors don’t like you that much, they will say things that bring down your confidence and feel like you can’t carry on doing the course, they will tell you that your girlfriend is a distraction and you should break up with her, keep your head up, carry on doing as well as you are, because you come out with a B at A level. You put in so much hard work, so much effort, so much time, it really does pay off.

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You had a girlfriend, you had a girlfriend for 1 year and 4 months. It was a great relationship and you learned so much from her, you learned how to love someone, how to love yourself, how to care and support someone with depression and anxiety. You will sit next to her in a hospital bed and think your whole world is crashing down, it’s not I promise. But you and this girlfriend will break up, she will cheat on you and once again it will feel like your whole world is crashing down. You will soon realise your worth as an individual, you will soon realise that you did love her, but it’s time to love yourself, it’s time to put yourself first for once.

Because of this relationship you will feel like you’ve lost all your friends because you always put her first, you really haven’t, your friends are so supportive, so caring, so loving, they will support you until you feel better about yourself. They will listen to you when you cry about her, they will get drunk with you so you don’t have to think about it anymore. They love you.

Codie you’re 18 now, and not too long ago you were going on a lot of random dates, please stop. You are hurting people in order to make yourself feel better. You know how that felt when someone put you second best, stop doing it to others.

Codie you are 18 now, you have been through so much, you have met so many incredible people, you are working your dream job, you are amazing code, you can get through anything. Just believe in yourself.

I am 18 year old you, and I am so proud of the person you have become

Codie xx

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5 thoughts on “A letter to my past self

  1. It sounds like you’ve come through a lot in just a few short years Codie. Well done for coming out the other side of what must have been so hard with the abuse and staying true to your sexuality… If you can come through what you have, you have proved that you have the true inner strength that will carry you through the ups and downs of life that continues as a ‘roller coaster’ so well done and I’m sure your mum is very proud of the person you have grown to be… x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! I did not expect this at all. But since you read my post “coming out of the closet” you know my story. I am straight but my son came out to me as being gay when he was 18. When I tried having a conversation with him about sex, he told me that it had nothing to do with sex. As far as I know he has never had a relationship with a man- he is now 33. But I wish he could. I wish he could experience that love between two people. I hope you can, too. You have been through a lot but it doesn’t sound as if it has stopped you from reaching out.. My stepdaughter has been living with us for the past 2 years because she can not cope with the outside world. She was abused as a teenager and has never gotten over it. I hope you can. I hope you can accept and adjust to your past and make a great future for yourself. It sounds like you are on the right track. If I can ever help- or just listen, feel free.

    Liked by 1 person

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