A letter to my abuser

I don’t know where you are now, and honestly I never want to know. The day you laid your hands on me when I was only 13 is when I completely changed as a person.

My mum let you into our lives, she let you play this perfect dad model for years. For years I considered you a perfect dad. We couldn’t have been more wrong. I have never known my real father but I can only pray that he is better than this fake figure of a dad who was in the majority of my life.

You were always a strange man and I wish I had voiced that so much earlier. When I was 13 you sexually abused me while I was sleeping. Or at least you thought I was sleeping. Little do you know that I was laid there with my eyes screwed shut hoping that this wasn’t happening, hoping that this all could have been a dream.

When I woke up in the morning, I wasn’t the same happy, confident, outgoing girl. I hate you from taking that from me at such a young age. I blame you for the majority of misery in my school years, I blame you for all the times I was bleeding in the bathroom while you were still in the same house as me, I blame you for all the scars scattered across my body.

I kept my mouth locked shut for 3 years, I did not tell a single person what you had done to me. I wish nothing more than someone passing me the key to my glued lips. Maybe then I could have saved my sister.

We were on the way to pick up my girlfriend, alone in the car when you told me what I had been trying to block out for years. I remember how much my body trembled when a man 50+ told me how he loved me more than a father and daughter relationship. I remember how my stomach churned when you admitted that you sexually abused me. I remember how my fists clenched when you told me you were asleep when you did it to me. I remember how my blood boiled when you tried to put the blame on my beautiful, caring, loving mum.

I had finally got the confirmation I needed to shout out to the world, but I did not, for one more weekend I remained silent. For one more weekend I wanted what at the time was normality, I wanted to spend one more weekend with my girlfriend before her view on me changed completely, I wanted one more weekend with my family before they hated me.

I remember on the Monday when me, you and my mum were all in the same room, when I told her what you said to me, and I will never forget the way you looked at me when I finally found my voice at 16.

But somehow you still managed to convince my whole family that it was a mistake, that you were asleep. You stayed around for a couple more days. Until we found out what you was doing to my sister. Until my sister had finally found the courage to pack her stuff and leave our house. She ran away, wondered across dual carriageways, walked out of our town, at only 15.

That same day you were arrested, that same day I had to sit in a room with a woman who I had never met before, and a man watching everything I say behind a screen, that same day I had to tell this woman my whole story, I had to open up to a complete stranger. That same day my whole family stayed at my Nan’s, that same day I looked in my gorgeous mums eyes as she was flooding in tears blaming herself for your selfish ways.

Mum I am so sorry your heart broke that day. Mum I am so sorry that I kept the secret for so long. Mum you are my inspiration. Mum I love you. Mum thank you for never giving up on me.

My sister Tamzin, I am sorry that I didn’t speak earlier. My sister Tamzin, I’m sorry that I didn’t protect you. My sister Tamzin, I am so proud of the gorgeous girl you have become. My sister Tamzin, Thank you for never giving up on me.

My abuser, You did not break me. My abuser, my family is stronger than ever. My abuser, we are happier without you. My abuser, my mum has found someone who makes her so much happier than you ever did. My abuser, my siblings are not your children anymore, you are no father. My abuser, one year in prison was not enough for the 3 years of silence I had to suffer.

My family, thank you for supporting me every step of the way, thank you for making the confident, outgoing, brave woman I am today. I love you.

Codie xx

family

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