A letter to my ex

It’s 4:06 am. I’m tired. I’m overthinking. I don’t know how I feel about writing this blog. Maybe by 7:06 am I will realise how stupid this is. But right now, it’s 4:07 am and this is something I want to write.

I was looking at other blogs, for some inspiration, for something I could relate to. I read one and it said how her ex took a part of her with her. How she is now a new version of herself, a sadder version of herself. I don’t think you took anything from me other than your Netflix password. I don’t think I’m a new version of myself, I’m just single me. I go on dates, I meet new people. I’m different to how I was when we were together, because you were mine. I did not need to meet anyone else, I had you and that was enough for me.

However, even though you did not change me, temporarily, I was sad, for a week or so I agreed with this blog I had read, I wanted to hold up a massive ‘Fuck You’ sign and scream from the top of my lungs about how much you hurt me, about how much you broke me. I don’t know how much time has passed now, I don’t know how long I have been single. But I’m not so sad anymore. I guess kissing strangers works a treat.

Now that I’m not so sad I need to thank you, I want to say thank you for spending a year and a half with me, for sticking by me when my family was breaking apart, when I was falling apart, when my wrists were tearing apart.

I want to say thank you for making me realise that even those with the most fucking gorgeous eyes  and what I thought to have been the most amazing personality can still break your trust, thank you for showing me that I cannot 100% trust. Thank you for showing me that love isn’t perfect, because I loved the bones of you, and now look where we are, I thought you were perfect.

It’s 4:24 am, I am not going to use your name, but I know you still read my blogs, I know that soon you will stumble across this, when you broke up with me, you asked me if I will ever forgive you, I’m not angry anymore, there are parts that I still don’t understand, there are still questions unanswered. I don’t want the answers anymore.

4:30 am, A lot of people have still been telling me about you, ‘Have you seen her facebook?’, ‘Have you seen this?’, ‘Did you know this?’, ‘Do you know who she’s with?’. I guess I shouldn’t have introduced you to all my friends and my family because they now seem to know more than I do, I’m happy for you, I’m glad that you too are meeting new people.

4:33 am, Make sure you are meeting the right people, please don’t let anyone explore you who doesn’t deserve to. Please find someone who traces their fingers over your skin like you are the most delicate thing on this earth. Please be careful. Please look after yourself.

4:40 am, Thank you for being my first love, thank you for cheating on me, thank you for breaking my trust, thank you for teaching me how to love,  thank you for teaching me how to care for someone,  thank you for the hair straighteners I never gave back, thank you for telling me that I can sing, thank you for telling me that I am good enough, Thank you for showing me that I deserve more, thank you for introducing me to Salisbury because man I have been meeting so many lesbians from Salisbury, thank you for breaking my heart, thank you for teaching me how to love myself.

It’s 5:01 am, This goes out to all the lessons I’ve learned.

Codie xx




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